Yesterday I was watching a documentary about people with mental illnesses. One of the cases was a girl in her twenties who struggled to go to the grocery store because she was afraid of people.
I kind of felt related to her. I'm not sure if I have some degree of social anxiety or it's just shyness. I'm able to go to the grocery store and buy food, but I don't feel comfortable surrounded by a multitude.
I don't know when it all began, but I can't control the emergence of irrational thoughts and nervousness when I have a lot of people around me.
My mind anticipates things when some social event is going to happen and overanalyze the event after it ends. The brain punishes me for every conversation that went wrong or for awkward silences. I know it's irrational and that people don't care very much about other people. But when my brain enters this rabbit hole, it takes a couple of days to get out of there.
Today I have a job interview for a software engineer position in a start-up. If I could choose, I prefer companies to call me without scheduling the event, because otherwise, I'll be not functional for the previous days. I don't know how to explain the sensation, but it's as if you were going to ride the scariest rollercoaster you had ever seen. You know that you'll be safe at the end of the ride, but it doesn't stop the adrenaline to make you feel like you were risking your life. Stupid, isn't it?
Negative thoughts begin to appear as well: "you won't pass, you are not good enough, your English skills are so poor, your work experience is not sufficient."
When I was talking yesterday with my girlfriend, she said: "just do it, the final result doesn't matter, do it as good as you can."
I envy her. She is the opposite of me. Sometimes she tells me that she gets nervous in social events as well, but I know that she can handle them perfectly. I've picked up her at work many times and she is always surrounded by people carrying a smile in her face.
Anyway, I'll pick her advice and just do it, no matter how painful it feels.
Hi, I'm Erik, an engineer from Barcelona. If you like the post or have any comments, say hi.